I can remember vividly when I went in for my first appointment for Baby Engel. I had told Richard a week and a half before that I took a test and it was positive. They request you come between week 8-10 to confirm a positive pregnancy. The doctor predicted our baby to be 8 weeks at my appointment due to my cycles. Sitting in the waiting room we felt all kinds of emotions; excitement, joy, fear, anxiety, you name it. During the ultrasound, I remember the tech repeating over and over "very low heartbeat, looks very low". What the heck, lady? Way to ruin the moment. We left the appointment being so overwhelmed with joy, seeing our itty bitty tiny dot on the screen along with a lump in our throat as we were put on miscarriage precautions because of the baby's measurement and heartbeat of only 97 bpm. The baby was so small they didn't even print us a picture! It was like we walked out of the office not knowing what to think. Should we be happy, should we be sad? All we could feel was fear. Fear of the unknown. The heartbeat should have been higher. I knew this.
Side note: Now, our road leading up to this moment is something I keep between me and my husband. However, people will say anything to pregnant women. I remember someone saying to me, "I wish I had your uterus!" What?! Ha. If you only knew my dear, but thank you for that oddball compliment! :) Everyone has their own story of fertility or infertility. And as I've matured, I lack tolerance for those who aren't supportive for each individual in their journey. Never assume where someone is, where they have been or where they are going. For some women/couples pregnancy is easy, for some, it is not. 'Nuff said about that.
I remember singing at church and being overwhelmed with sorrow and hope at the same time. It was the weirdest thing. Tears began to stream. It ended up being the convulsive ugly cry where I almost I had to remove myself. Luckily, I recovered, thanks to my adorable husband who just held me and rubbed my back as he solemnly cried too. There we were, transparent before our King. What could we do but hope, pray and wait. So we waited. Two excruciating long weeks. (Oh, did I mention I had a stomach bug during this time where I had to be taken to patient first and was given an IV? Yeah, a very long 2 weeks)
Through it all, our little tot pushed through. The doctor told us at the follow up that things looked positive and that we (and the target brand pregnancy test) detected our baby super early and now I was measuring on track, 7w5d with a 167 heartbeat! Whew. When I went the first time, the little tater was only 5w2d. No wonder the heartbeat was slow.. it had barely started! It's crazy to think that I only have 5 weeks and 2 days left till my due date. My pregnancy hasn't been smooth sailing but Richard and I have rode out the unpredictable waves and here we are again anticipating the unknown of bringing our baby into this world. Excitement, joy, fear, anxiety. I can't imagine doing this alone. Thankfully, I've had my Saviour and my amazing husband to hold my hand every step of the way. In the coming weeks, I'll need them more than ever to lean on.
Troubles surround me, chaos abounding My soul will rest in You I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm My help is on the way, my help is on the way Oh, my God, He will not delay My refuge and strength always I will not fear, His promise is true My God will come through always
Always, by Kristian Stanfill
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